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| Hair taken from running my fingers through **The fuzzies were on my bed because of slippers** |
I texted the girl who does my hair and instantly said "Not sure if this is what chemo hair loss looks like...but this just happened." She responded and asked if my hair was dirty...I said it probably was. She then told me to shower and to text her a picture of what I combed out of my hair after I shampooed it....
Weeeelllllll.......more came out. In between the comb throughs...I cleaned out the brush...so this was two different comb throughs.
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| Comb through 1 |
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| Comb through 2 |
I had to force myself to get out of the shower and stop touching my hair because I probably would have pulled it all out.
To be honest...when this started happening--the only thing I could do was laugh about it. It was oddly satisfying pulling out pieces of hair.
Monday (11/19) I woke up and more hair fell out. I made the decision to shave whatever hair I had left on my head and donate it to whomever would take it (or just throw it out--I don't care anymore). I walked around wearing a hat, constantly touching my hair and pulling more and more hair out each time! I was starting to obsess over it. Is it falling out? Is it not? There was hair all over my clothes, in my food...EVERYWHERE. I was losing my mind.
One thing that I always wanted was that I wanted to shave my head in front of a group...I think it's so I wouldn't chicken out about it...but also just to show--IT'S JUST HAIR PEOPLE!! MY LIFE IS MORE ABOUT ME THAN MY STUPID HAIR! Granted--I loved my hair.
On Monday, I also received a phone call from one of my school administrators/previous volleyball coach who had said that the football coach was willing to let me shave my head at the pep assembly (our football team is going to the state championship this Saturday!! GO BIG REDS!!!!)) The coach even offered to shave his, as well as many teachers I work with. I don't feel the need to make anyone else shave their head. If they wanted to--they could, but I'll just do mine. HOWEVER, if the football team loses--They owe me a wig!
With that offer being made--I did it. I decided I was going to have my head shaved. In front of 600 some ninth grade students. It was on my terms. It was in front of a group of people, it was for a good reason. I could do this.
The next day I arrived at the gym, I could barely say hi to people because my anxiety was just through the roof. A few people asked if I was ready and I responded with "Nope--but I'm going to do it anyway." I walked out when I was announced. I sat down. My hair had been braided into two braids so the hair I did have could be donated. Those were cut first. Once they were cut my instant thought was "oh my god. Put it back, put it back!!" I had to breath. I had to focus. Then the head shaving started and I couldn't focus on anything except my breathing until it was done.
Once it was done, I couldn't even look at photos of myself. I needed a minute. My emotions were on a roller coaster. It took time and then I finally looked. I LOOKED GOOD!!! I looked the same. The only thing that was different was my hair was gone. BUT I WAS STILL ME!!!
The best part wasn't even the head shaving, which all the kids just stared at me not believing what they were watching. It was the fact that when I was finished having my head shaved--I took off my zip up to reveal a shirt that said "Bald and Badass" The kids went NUTS!
I have two wigs...one I currently have and the other is ordered. But to be real...I'm going to attempt to rock this bald head. I'm gonna wear awesome lipsticks, cool hats, big earrings, fake nose rings and just do what I want to do. Hair is not going to stop me from being myself...I'll miss it...but I'm going to rock what I am.
In the end--I'm glad I did it. I feel liberated. It's definitely cold and I've been sleeping with a hat on.
I AM A BALD, BEAUTIFUL, & BOLD
BADASS.
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