After I finally came back from my zone out in the doctor's office and regained my sense of life. Lung Cancer??? I instantly thought...it isn't me...there's a mistake. The medical office swapped my results with an 80 year old smoker or some coal miner from down south....it's wrong.
After the doctor was done giving us this news and I still had yet to respond to anything, my dad kindly asked the doctor to give us a minute alone in the room. He had said "of course" and excused himself from the room.
The second the door shut when he left...I cried. I didn't even realize I was crying...my whole body just gave in to my tears and I sobbed while my dad held me. I believe he was crying too but I can't remember. I've rarely seen him cry...and to know he was would attribute this to the fact that the diagnosis was real...which it couldn't have been.
After about 2 minutes of sobbing--I just stopped. I sat up and I said "Well crying isn't going to fix anything. Let's go see what the oncologist has to say." and we walked out of the office and to the oncology building.
On the walk over I had a conversation with my dad that I wanted to make sure went my way. My mom had been dealing with chronic back pain for a few years. She had finally found a surgeon that could potentially help her. I made my dad promise me that he would make mom get the surgery still. He said he would think about it. I repeated myself that I needed him to PROMISE ME. He finally did. I knew this would be an argument between my mom and me and I needed my dad to be on my side. One of my fears at the time was of me going through some sort of treatment or possibly dying without my mom being able to be by my side...
Eventually we made our way to the oncologist's office. When we arrived, the staff walked us to this small room with a round table and chairs in the back of the office. While sitting with my dad in the room the door swings open and my older sister bursts in. She is crying, walking directly towards me saying "Nichole... I'm so sorry." She immediately grabbed me and hugged me so tight. A few minutes later--my mom (who left work early because she felt something was wrong...) walks through the door with tears in her eyes and begins to hug me.
And with another knock on the door, I met the person that would be in charge of my medical team... My Medical Oncologist.♡
She was young, and according to my sister, she was one of the smartest doctors that she had ever met. During the next hour or so she prepped us with loads of information about the cancer that I was diagnosed with, told us they were going to check for genetic markers first to see if there were targeted therapies that could be used, had about four different treatment plan options on her mind depending on the what the labs brought back. It helped just to hear something...mostly anything.
To this day I am forever thankful for the personal way that she spoke with my family and me, for the comfort that she was able to provide to us just be answering questions, and communication with us in a way that could be understood what was going on! She was kind, she was intelligent, hard working, and deep down she is a shark! She was the best possible doctor I could ever ask for...and to this day she still is!
During this visit however, my family and doctor had talked about how pale I was looking...so they tested my pulse oxygen level...which consisted of placing a pulse ox on my finger and having me walk up and down this very narrow hallway. A normal level is between 98-100%....mine was at 82%. Turned out I wasn't getting enough oxygen in my blood to my extremities...so not only was I 27 and just found out I had lung cancer....
I WAS BEING PUT ON OXYGEN!!!
Instantly--I laughed. I couldn't think of any other way to react...this was absolutely OBSURD! I joked and said that we should go to the casino with my oxygen tank...which I at that time had name Linda.
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| Linda The Oxygen Tank |
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| Me January 2017 |
The last part about this meeting is that my two younger sisters had been unable to attend this. They had both worked nights the day before and asking them to wake up and hear bad news...I just wasn't willing to do. I didn't want to tell them over the phone either. I lied to them on the phone when they called and said "Everything is fine. Just come over for dinner later and we will tell you what they said!" My boos, Shelby and Madison, deserved to hear this in person and not over the phone. I don't regret waiting to tell them...I love my family enough that I would have wanted to keep them from this information for months...but I never could have done it.
The other part that I loved about the oncology office I went to...was the staff. My older sister, Christine, worked there so it made the place feel like family. You would think a chemo center is sad, scary, depressing. I have had more happy times and laughs in that office that I can even count. That office is great. One of the nurses came up to me and said "I know you don't know me--but if you EVER need anything, ANY time or ANY day...this is my phone number. You can call it, you can text it. I will ALWAYS answer" She wasn't the only kind one...she just definitely made a huge impression...and now often calls herself my other big sissie. ♡
After going over all of the basic information with my oncologist going on oxygen and getting my intro to the office, the doctor discussed that in order to be proactive we should have a brain scan. Lung cancer has a tendency to metastasize (spread) quickly. Most commonly it spreads to the bones or the brain. My bones looked clear in the PET scan and the CT Scan, so the only thing left to check was my brain.
Christine, my older sister, and I left to go get the scan done at another branch of the hospital. Before the MRI we stopped Wendy's for a quick bite to eat, and we talked about what was happening. I remember asking her on the way there "Christine am I going to die?"....I don't know if it was the nurse inside of her or her trying to be my big sister...but she replied right back to me "I don't know, Nichole, and neither do you. We can't tell the future!" She then told me she would name her child after me....I then made a stupid joke about wanting to name her daughter some hooker/stripper name and she slapped my arm....I love this relationship I have with my sisters. We used to not even be able to be in the same room as each other when we were younger...but as we grew up....we knew we were going to make it.
After Wendys, we finally arrived to get the MRI...and I realized one thing right away-- I DIDN'T WEAR SOCKS IN MY SHOES...One of my laziness problems shows its head. And Christine comes in to change with me just to give me her socks....Thinking back now--it makes me want to cry. She could have made me wear those hospital socks they offer..those nasty ones that aren't soft at all and have the skids on the bottom...you know the kind...they're awful. But my older sister took the socks right off her feet to give to me.
The MRI was unlike anything I had experienced before. It was loud, they strap a cage around your head so you can't move, and you have to lay still for about 40 minutes...The entire time I was in that machine I just thought about the day I had...and how it could possible get any worse..
It Definitely Did Get Worse...
After the MRI, I decided I would go to school to talk with my principal and my union rep about taking some time off work so I could begin treatment. Everything was going well, I was thinking of the future and figured after a few weeks (missing a few random days through the year) I would be back in no time.
...and then the phone rang.
My oncologist was on the phone. I couldn't understand why she was calling me so soon after I had just seen her. It had maybe been 25 minutes after the brain scan.
She immediately told me they found a spot on my brain...
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| Brain Scan w/ 11mm Lesion on Left side January 2017 |
This was real.
I had lung cancer....and the lung cancer had spread to my brain. I was going to die.
I eventually came back to reality and remember my oncologist repeating my name. She asked if I was alone and I said Christine was with me...so I handed my phone to her and walked out of the room. I was numb...I felt absolutely nothing, I didn't see anything around me, I didn't hear anything around me...there wasn't anything...just numb....
I walked and walked and walked in the hallway of the school....until I reached the gym and found my friend Claire, who had been at the school late for an Open Gym for softball...and I just grabbed her and started crying.
There was nothing left for me to do. I was absolutely terrified. I watched images in my head of having a wedding, having kids, buying a house, going on vacations in exotic places, running races, growing old...they all started to disappear and I hugged my friend tighter and tighter as each one was taken from me.
My sister found me in the gym holding onto Claire and had said we were going home.
We stopped at CVS to pick up some prescriptions. Not only did I still have to tell my younger sisters that I had cancer at all...I now had to share with them and my parents that the cancer I had was already spreading.
HOW WAS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE!?
My heart felt broken that day...but I will say that eventually my spirit woke. I made the choice...along with my family that we were going to fight this through to the end.
I have worked hard for so many things in my life, I refuse to just give up now. Even though many people say they would trade places with me or go through it for me...I would never let them.
This is now my battle and my fight. I may be the one fighting it...but I'm NOT Fighting Alone!
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| Wouters Warriors T-shirt I Can Fight Cancer |
Later that evening....
word got out at the school to my students and fellow teachers...and some of the stories started turning. and giving incorrect facts. I was already exhausted from the crazy day I had...I was getting 100s of texts and phonically of people wishing me well. I was thankful but I was overwhelmed.
It was at this point that I decided I wanted to be able to share my story with my students, friends and my community....so I took to twitter (https://twitter.com/nwouters515).
I did this for a few reasons. To keep in touch with students since I was going to be out of the classroom, to update people quickly and not get 100s of emails and phone calls and texts. To use technology in order to spread the word. To potentially meet other people going through the same things. Lastly, I chose that I wanted to share my experience and stories with those around me.
Over night....I went from 10 followers to 1200 followers...
It doesn't sound like that many...but for a 27 year old teacher in suburban MI...I felt pretty cool.
The next day...everything would start. I would talk to a radiation oncologist about the brain lesions and I would speak with my medical oncologist about my line of treatment to help me get better.
But at the end of that day, my diagnosis day, I was now a 27 year old woman with stage IV adenocarcinoma of the lung with metastases to the brain. I was on oxygen all the time. My chances of living the next 5 years was less than 10%...
My entire world and entire understanding of life changed in the blink of an eye.
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